I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Phonetics
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you