“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
opening twitter today
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Optional boss fight.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?