I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.