facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”