The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I bet birds love this building.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.