Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
You Might Also Like
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
mom had nothing to worry about
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.