My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*orders delivery*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.