If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.