Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.