I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
set yourself free xox
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
how to market bottled water to dads
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
(Jupiter –
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all