Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
❤️❤️❤️
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
ok like just. call me at this point
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%