*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
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The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.