Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Yup
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
🐕🍷
What fresh Hell is this?!?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?