Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You Might Also Like
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be