Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”