Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.