There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.