Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green