Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.