“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”