Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You Might Also Like
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”