“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Gods work.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it