bad
worse
worst
worchester
You Might Also Like
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*