Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.