One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
You Might Also Like
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Meow
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher