t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.