I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Donkey Kong sommelier
This is why I hate group projects