I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.