The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
we did it you guys we saved daylight
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?