If only.
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”