I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
repaired
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
kids play hide and seek like
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed