I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
All. The. Damn. Time.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
checking out some reviews of my local library
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.