Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.