At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.