[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.