the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”