Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
why would tinder want me to say this
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Ugh but profoundly