*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
new record!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?