Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.