me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Important
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th