Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”