HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
You Might Also Like
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine