My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.