i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.