Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
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Milk Cube
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
don’t be scared
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Playdough smells better than other philosophers