The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
What
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.