Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful