*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up