Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Effort made
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver