[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house